Waiting

Here I am, waiting to have a miscarriage. It is hell.

I am so, so sad. I don't like being in this place. I wish life had a fast-forward button, it was a few months from now, and we were in the 2WW, full of renewed hope. Instead, we are in a place of mourning. It's hard to believe how attached to something you can become in just one week. I had already nicknamed the little bugger "Nugget" and was talking to it in my head. We had started making plans, (Christmas in Austin this year). We had told our parents. It was such a wonderful week. Greg told me he hadn't been that happy in a long time.

Then it all came crashing down in a second. When the RE's office told me the beta number, I couldn't even talk. The nurse said, "Do you want to call back tomorrow to schedule your consultation?" I said, "Yes" and booked it out work. Of course, my boss was in the lobby, waiting for the elevator, and started chatting it up with me. "How are you doing?" "Great. I just found out I'm going to have a miscarriage. How goes it with you?"

This is how I have felt toward my coworkers during the past two days. I can't just sit around the house and cry. I am definitely a person who tries to bury the horrible feelings. So, I work. Work is busy, which is good, because it is a distraction. I cry on the way to work and on the way home, but, when I am at work, I can almost forget about things. Of course, I really can't. Every time a coworker asks me a question, I want to snap, "Who cares about pipe material? I am waiting to have a miscarriage!!" And I am getting sick of people asking, "So, got any big plans for the weekend?" "Oh yes. Big plans. I am going to have a miscarriage."

I must admit I am very anxious for it to start, just because I want it to be finished. Then we can move on. But, instead, I am still very, very, very lightly spotting. My RE said it could take up to a week for it to happen. Ugh.

I am also so angry. I keep thinking about our family friend. Their 15-year-old daughter stopped taking her BCP in attempt to keep her boyfriend. When it didn't work, she told her mom, "I want an abortion. All I care about is him. Get this thing out of me." But, because her mom wouldn't pay, she is soon going to give birth to a healthy baby. (And she won't give it up for adoption - Greg and I even offered to adopt it). Why? Why does she get to have a baby, and couples like us, who are ready to be parents, do not? I don't understand it, and it makes me want to kick something.

I also have to say that, if it is this painful to miscarry at 4-1/2 weeks, I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a baby later on in pregnancy (or beyond). To anyone who is reading this who has suffered such pain, I am so, so, so, sorry.

On the flip side, I really am trying to look at the positives. At least we can get pregnant. Many, many couples have early miscarriages and go on to have healthy pregnancies. And, at least it did happen early.

Hopefully we will be pregnant again soon. We are meeting with our RE for a consultation on Tuesday, and I am looking forward to deciding on our next steps. Of course, part of me is terrified that it will take another year to get pregnant again, but hopefully that will not be the case, considering we will jumping back into IUI within a few cycles (at least, that is what I am assuming).