Friday, April 17, 2009

IUI #2 = BFN

I waited so long to write because I was not taking things well, and I just needed a break. I know the odds (20% chance each time), but I was really hopeful this cycle. My chart had been looking better than ever, (so much that I was cheering in bed when I saw my high temp at 10 dpo), Greg had a great sperm count, and my follicle was a good size. So, when my temperature crashed and I started spotting on Sunday, it felt like knife to the heart.

When we were trying on our own, the failed cycles were so much easier to take because I could chalk it up to, "Oh, well, of course it didn't work. I have CM issues." On IUI cycles, there is no good reason it shouldn't work, and now I am scared that we will never get pregnant. Even Greg asked, "Why isn't it working???"

I think this gave me my first real taste of what it feels like to deal with infertility. And, as it has only been 10 failed cycles since we started trying, I'm sure it is just a small taste. But, let me tell you, it hurts. It feels like a broken heart. Correction: It is a broken heart.

You spend so much time, energy, and money trying to get something you want so badly, and, over and over again, it doesn't work. And it seems like everyone around you has no clue what you are going through, which makes you feel so alone. It hurts to see pregnant women and babies, it hurts when you hear people talk about how happy they are to "get away from their kids," it hurts when other people get pregnant in two seconds, it hurts that everyone feels sorry for you, it hurts when people who don't know you are TTC ask "why you aren't PG yet?", and it hurts that your family is so disappointed that they still don't have a grandchild.

And, you feel like crap when you feel sad about yet another pregnancy announcement, because you know you should feel happy for them, so then, not only are you feeling sorry for yourself, you are feeling bad about yourself.

Also, I started falling into the blame game. What if I worked out too hard? What if I drank too much caffeine? What if I had too much wine? What if I got too stressed out? A smart person on a message board said the other day, "It's my PCOS that is causing my IF, not my occasional glass of wine." This was a huge reality check for me, (except, insert my CM for her PCOS), and helped bring me back to sanity :D

So there's my sad rant. I will say that this whole thing has brought Greg and I closer, and made me so happy that I am married to him. On Sunday, when he saw that I had been sobbing my eyes out, he dropped his plans for the day and went for a run with me, (which he never does), and then he took me downtown so we could spend the afternoon walking around and coffee shop hopping.

I am feeling better and more positive about things now, although I still have a knot in my stomach. I just keep reminding myself of the odds, and reveling in the success stories of women who have gotten pregnant on their third, fourth, or fifth IUI.


shotzie said...

I'm so sorry, Mainer. *Hugs*

Crysbena said...

I'm so sorry... I was really rooting for you. It's so frustrating and devastating each and ever BFN, but I imagine IUI's give so much hope. I hope you get your healthy baby soon?

amangoprincess said...

please consider adopting a baby that needs a home. Dont put yourself thru this heartbreaking stress as well as possibly passing on your CF disease to a baby. There are many needy babies needing adoption. Bless you.

Kristen said...

A couple of things:

1) My husband has been tested for the CF gene and it came back negative. This means that the odds of passing "my CF disease" to a baby are smaller than a normal couple.

2) Adoption is a very long, hard, and expensive process. It is not as easy as everyone thinks it is. You think this is heartbreaking? This (my experience) is peanuts compared to the adoption process.

3) Yes, this post was sad. I was posting the feelings I had for the few days after I got a negative IUI. But, at this point, I am not wallowing in misery, unable to make it through life. I'm still pretty happy.

Shannon said...

:::trying to bite my tongue, trying to bite my tongue:::

Im sorry about the BFN. I always wish I could say something to make it better but, in the end, no words take away how much this sucks. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

JackiJaguar said...

1. I'm sorry to hear the news, mainer. I'm thinking of you.

2. Amangoprincess, you're a tool and should keep your judgemental-disguised-as-thoughtful comments to yourself.

Something Simple Design said...

I teared up reading this, even though I already knew. I am glad that you are starting to pick yourself up and I think everything you said is sooo normal. You are amazing and you and Greg are going to be rewarded amazingly for your efforts. (((hugest hugs)))

G said...

I'm sorry :-(

FWIW, I don't think your post made it sound like you were wallowing or in misery. I think you were able to describe your some of the emotions that go along with infertility perfectly.

Nikki1007 said...

I am sorry hun. Its all just so unfair. ((HUGS))
Amangoprincess - Adoption is no easy road either and entails just as much heartbreak. If you got your head out of your ass you would know this and how hurtful your comment is to all who are dealing with infertility.

Jennie said...

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm so sorry it didn't take this time. The increased sperm count and bigger follicle are such good signs, though! It will happen. :-)

amangoprincess -- do your research! CF can't be passed on with only one parent positive for the gene. Your comments were insensitive, ignorant and bigoted.

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry about the BFN, sweetie.

Amangoprincess, you are a douche. Posting a mean, unhelpful comment in someone's blog just to follow it up with a "Bless you", is terrible. You obviously do not understand the adoption process nor understand IF very well. Please do some research before passing on your judgement to others.

Serendipite said...

amangoprincess - you are inconsiderate, insensitive and uneducated. I have looked into adoption, and the red tape and cost ALONE make it VERY difficult. Perhaps if there was a better system in the US for adoption, it would be an easier process, but I know of people who have tried for years to adopt and are still unsuccessful, AND they are out massive amounts of money. MORE than IVF even. You need to keep your comments to yourself because if you spout this shit out IRL, it won't be long before you are punched right in the fucking face.

Melissa said...

First, you and your husband are in my thoughts. It will happen for you. I have no doubts about that.

Second, amangoprincess - you are a terrible human being and should be ashamed of yourself. Throwing in a "bless you" at the end makes you even more of a bitch.

CottonSocks said...

Mainer -

I'm so sorry. I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug. I've been there, I feel you. Today was one of those massive, overwhelming crying jag sort of day for me too. They suck.

You are not alone, as little as that helps. Need anything, give me a holler - even if it's just to bitch.

To the utter douchebag of a poster who encouraged her to adopt - what a ridiculously ignorant comment. It's not like you can just pop down to the orphanage and pick up a baby of your very own. Whether you are trying to adopt through foster care, through private adoption, through a matching agency, older children or young infants or newborns, domestic or international, it is NEVER an easy process.

CottonSocks said...

Posted too soon.

Adoption is an admirable thing and if Mainer decides to go that route I will do nothing but encourage her. But it is expensive, difficult, time consuming and heartbreaking. To suggest otherwise, particularly in the condescending and patronizing way you did is infuriating to read. You suck.

Mainer - I hope this cycle is better for you. Lots of love,

Laura said...

Kristen I was reading all the comments from friends supporting you. Sounds like you have some good peeps ready to stick up for you on your side! =) I can't think of a better word to some that chick up than D-BAG lol!!
Oh this is Lamp, aka Laura from CF forums.

As for your failed IUI, I know the heartache of BFN's and I'm sorry. But this is only your 2nd try. Keep your head up!! =)

Maeghan said...

I don't think your post is wallowing in misery at all. It's as honest as anyone can be WITHOUT wallowing. You were truthful, eloquent and heartfelt. You are an amazing person , and we're all rooting for you.

Shannon said...

Im so so sorry! :-( I just had my first IUI which resulted in a BFN. Even though you know the odds are not that high, its still very disappointing that it didnt work. Especially when you have your cycle monitored and you see the progress being made, of course your going to feel hopeful!
Hang in there and hopefully your miracle will happen soon!

AGarrisonRN said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nikki1007 said...

AGarrisonRN - You are a truly terrible ignorant human being.

Melissa said...

I sure as hell hope the RN part of the above posters name doesn't mean she's a nurse. God help us all if that is the case. I sure as hell don't want a nutbag like that treating me anywhere.

Mainer- Ignore the douches. Keep on your path. Love, mb

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