IUI #2 = BFN

I waited so long to write because I was not taking things well, and I just needed a break. I know the odds (20% chance each time), but I was really hopeful this cycle. My chart had been looking better than ever, (so much that I was cheering in bed when I saw my high temp at 10 dpo), Greg had a great sperm count, and my follicle was a good size. So, when my temperature crashed and I started spotting on Sunday, it felt like knife to the heart.

When we were trying on our own, the failed cycles were so much easier to take because I could chalk it up to, "Oh, well, of course it didn't work. I have CM issues." On IUI cycles, there is no good reason it shouldn't work, and now I am scared that we will never get pregnant. Even Greg asked, "Why isn't it working???"

I think this gave me my first real taste of what it feels like to deal with infertility. And, as it has only been 10 failed cycles since we started trying, I'm sure it is just a small taste. But, let me tell you, it hurts. It feels like a broken heart. Correction: It is a broken heart.

You spend so much time, energy, and money trying to get something you want so badly, and, over and over again, it doesn't work. And it seems like everyone around you has no clue what you are going through, which makes you feel so alone. It hurts to see pregnant women and babies, it hurts when you hear people talk about how happy they are to "get away from their kids," it hurts when other people get pregnant in two seconds, it hurts that everyone feels sorry for you, it hurts when people who don't know you are TTC ask "why you aren't PG yet?", and it hurts that your family is so disappointed that they still don't have a grandchild.

And, you feel like crap when you feel sad about yet another pregnancy announcement, because you know you should feel happy for them, so then, not only are you feeling sorry for yourself, you are feeling bad about yourself.

Also, I started falling into the blame game. What if I worked out too hard? What if I drank too much caffeine? What if I had too much wine? What if I got too stressed out? A smart person on a message board said the other day, "It's my PCOS that is causing my IF, not my occasional glass of wine." This was a huge reality check for me, (except, insert my CM for her PCOS), and helped bring me back to sanity :D

So there's my sad rant. I will say that this whole thing has brought Greg and I closer, and made me so happy that I am married to him. On Sunday, when he saw that I had been sobbing my eyes out, he dropped his plans for the day and went for a run with me, (which he never does), and then he took me downtown so we could spend the afternoon walking around and coffee shop hopping.

I am feeling better and more positive about things now, although I still have a knot in my stomach. I just keep reminding myself of the odds, and reveling in the success stories of women who have gotten pregnant on their third, fourth, or fifth IUI.