Thank You

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your kind words during the past few weeks. Your support has been a huge help and makes this whole IF/miscarriage world much less lonely. Greg and I are feeling good about things, and, although we are still sad, I don't think we would be in this place if it weren't for the great people I've met on the internet. We only know one other couple in real life who is going through similar stuff, and they live about 2000 miles away, so it has been such a huge help to connect with others through blogging and message boards. THANK YOU!!!

In other news, Greg and I decided we are desperately in need of a vacation. I am feeling extremely burnt-out from working 40 hours weeks, going to the doctor all the time, and keeping up with my exercise and CF treatments. Plus, work has been horrible lately- one of my projects is not going well. I didn't do something I should have done, but the reason I didn't do it was that I didn't know I had to do it! So, it's one of those situations where I am in trouble, despite doing my best. I even was yelled at, (by a politician), on Public Access TV the other day. I'm so glad nobody watches that channel!

So, considering we aren't making any visits to the RE this cycle and our anniversary is June 16th, we just booked a last minute vacation to Yellowstone/Grand Teton National Parks! We leave in two weeks. We are so excited!

We Have a Plan

Greg and I met with the RE yesterday. He wanted to check-in and make sure we were doing okay. He explained that our early miscarriage was mostly likely caused by a cell division problem, which he said is a completely random occurrence and has nothing to do with me or Greg. We already knew this, (due to extensive Googling), but it was still nice to hear.

He also feels optimistic about our odds of getting pregnant again very soon. He told us to take a break this cycle, (for our mental health more than anything else), and then go right back to Clomid + IUI. Being the planner that I am, I had to ask how many more Clomid cycles we would try before possibly moving on to something else: He laughed at me for being a pessimist, (which I am not, I am just an obsessive planner), and said probably three or four.

I am keeping everything crossed that he is right and we get pregnant again within a couple of cycles!

CD 1

Yesterday was CD 1. I don't think I have ever been so relieved for CD 1. My body is allowing me to move on. So far, it has not been too bad. (TMI warning: I am sharing this info for others who may be interested, but it may be kind-of gross). Yesterday was just like a light AF. Today started out like a heavier AF. I took two Advil at 5:00 AM (woke up with cramps - don't worry, I didn't get up that early, I went back to sleep), and I felt fine all morning. I took two more at 1:00 in anticipation of having my eyebrows threaded at 2:00. While I was having my brows done, I started having awful AF cramps. "WTF?" I thought, "I took two Advil an hour ago, I shouldn't be having cramps." When my brows were done, I used the restroom and saw lots of clots and a tiny bit of tissue - definitely not the norm for me. After that one incident, my cramps subsided and it returned to a normal AF.

I have started feeling better during the past couple of days, although I am still sad and probably always will be when I think about this. It's funny, because moving forward is kind-of like moving backward. I am getting back to the place I was in before we got pregnant: Planning, anticipating, and hoping. But, I must admit, there is now more bitterness mixed with those feelings.

We went to a BBQ yesterday, and I had been dreading it because I knew I would see my friend's newborn. Well, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that, although I wanted to burst into tears upon seeing the baby, I was fine after my initial reaction. I was even able to hold her and felt okay.

So, I think we are moving on. I still want that week of happiness back. I still grieve for the loss of our first child, even if we only had him/her for a very short time. But, I am feeling more encouraged by the good news I have been concentrating on: We can get pregnant. And 50% of all first pregnancies end in early miscarriage. This is not to say I won't be terribly nervous when we get pregnant again, but I am concentrating on the odds, (most pregnancies after a first miscarriage are successful), and praying that we will see another BFP very soon.

Finally Friday

Today was better than yesterday. I'm not quite as sad. I am annoyed because the spotting stopped on Wednesday and hasn't returned, and I would like this to be over and done with! I had another beta today, and the result was 9, so hopefully CD1 will be here soon.

It was weird because, when I got the call about my beta, I was filled with sadness again. I thought I'd be happy the number was decreasing so rapidly, but I realized that, as irrational as this is, a small part of me was hoping Monday's beta was some sort of lab error, and I was really still pregnant.

That's about it. I'm am thrilled it's finally the weekend, and that we have three days. This week sucked!

Clinic Visit Today

FEV1 = 115%. OGTT was normal. Lost one pound. Everyone feels sad for me. The end.

Waiting

Here I am, waiting to have a miscarriage. It is hell.

I am so, so sad. I don't like being in this place. I wish life had a fast-forward button, it was a few months from now, and we were in the 2WW, full of renewed hope. Instead, we are in a place of mourning. It's hard to believe how attached to something you can become in just one week. I had already nicknamed the little bugger "Nugget" and was talking to it in my head. We had started making plans, (Christmas in Austin this year). We had told our parents. It was such a wonderful week. Greg told me he hadn't been that happy in a long time.

Then it all came crashing down in a second. When the RE's office told me the beta number, I couldn't even talk. The nurse said, "Do you want to call back tomorrow to schedule your consultation?" I said, "Yes" and booked it out work. Of course, my boss was in the lobby, waiting for the elevator, and started chatting it up with me. "How are you doing?" "Great. I just found out I'm going to have a miscarriage. How goes it with you?"

This is how I have felt toward my coworkers during the past two days. I can't just sit around the house and cry. I am definitely a person who tries to bury the horrible feelings. So, I work. Work is busy, which is good, because it is a distraction. I cry on the way to work and on the way home, but, when I am at work, I can almost forget about things. Of course, I really can't. Every time a coworker asks me a question, I want to snap, "Who cares about pipe material? I am waiting to have a miscarriage!!" And I am getting sick of people asking, "So, got any big plans for the weekend?" "Oh yes. Big plans. I am going to have a miscarriage."

I must admit I am very anxious for it to start, just because I want it to be finished. Then we can move on. But, instead, I am still very, very, very lightly spotting. My RE said it could take up to a week for it to happen. Ugh.

I am also so angry. I keep thinking about our family friend. Their 15-year-old daughter stopped taking her BCP in attempt to keep her boyfriend. When it didn't work, she told her mom, "I want an abortion. All I care about is him. Get this thing out of me." But, because her mom wouldn't pay, she is soon going to give birth to a healthy baby. (And she won't give it up for adoption - Greg and I even offered to adopt it). Why? Why does she get to have a baby, and couples like us, who are ready to be parents, do not? I don't understand it, and it makes me want to kick something.

I also have to say that, if it is this painful to miscarry at 4-1/2 weeks, I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a baby later on in pregnancy (or beyond). To anyone who is reading this who has suffered such pain, I am so, so, so, sorry.

On the flip side, I really am trying to look at the positives. At least we can get pregnant. Many, many couples have early miscarriages and go on to have healthy pregnancies. And, at least it did happen early.

Hopefully we will be pregnant again soon. We are meeting with our RE for a consultation on Tuesday, and I am looking forward to deciding on our next steps. Of course, part of me is terrified that it will take another year to get pregnant again, but hopefully that will not be the case, considering we will jumping back into IUI within a few cycles (at least, that is what I am assuming).

92

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

It's a Good Thing I'm Not Afraid of Needles

I just got back from my OGTT. I got there at 7:45, and they started off by drawing six vials of blood: At least one for the OGTT, the others to check my vitamin levels. The tech accidentally moved the needle around when she was switching vials, and it caused my vein to burst, which hurt like hell. (I told her, "Ummm....that really hurts," and she said, "Oh no. Your vein blew out.") So then she moved to my other arm to get the last four vials.

Immediately after the blood work I had to drink a small bottle of orange-flavored drink that tastes like those little plastic bottles of sugar-water my mom used to buy for me by the pallet. An hour later it was back for another draw (lucikly only one vial for the rest of the time), and then the final one an hour after that.

In between draws, I called my RE's office to let them know about the spotting. The spotting was still there when I got up this morning, but it seems to be dying down. Immediately after my last draw, they called me back and said they wanted to do another beta, so I had to turn around and get stuck with a needle for a fifth time.

I am very happy they are doing another beta. I made the stupid mistake of POAS this morning just so I could "see the line get darker and feel reassured." Except it got a lighter. I tested with two strips and they were both lighter than yesterday's strip. So then I started freaking out, even though I know HCG quantities can vary in urine, and the tests are not quantitative.

My stomach is going to be in a knot until I hear back from the RE's office!

Spotting

Ugh. I woke up this morning to brown spotting. I know spotting is common during early pregnancy, but I still don't like it. There is a small amount of brown blood when I wipe, and a few small spots on my underwear, and there is no cramping, so I am trying not to worry too much. But I will feel much better when it stops.

Beta #3

139! Things are looking good so far!

Beta #2

Beta #2 was 57, so we have more than doubling! This is helping me relax a bit more about things. My symptoms have also ramped up a bit, which I think is a good sign, although I could live without feeling queasy.

For those who don't know about it, this site is a great resource that gives typical beta values. It shows that we are in the range of normal.

I go in for Beta #3 on Friday, and my RE had us schedule or first ultrasound. We go in two weeks - I am excited we get to go that early!

Thank You, Beta, Symptoms, and CF Stuff

First of all, I must say a huge "THANK YOU!!!" for the congratulations wishes. It warms my heart to see how many wonderful people I have met over the internet during this journey. (((Hugs))) to you all.

Yesterday I had my first beta. The result was 20, which is in the normal range for 11 dpo. I will be getting my second beta tomorrow, and I think I will feel a little less nervous about things once I see that number double.

And now, I can talk about my symptoms! (I have wanted to do that for so long :P) The primary symptom I had was unusual cramping the evening of 8dpo, and that continued until 11dpo. It felt kind-of like AF cramps, but a little different. My other symptoms were very similar to PMS, but amplified slightly: extreme hunger, crazy bloating, and sore breasts.

Yesterday morning I spoke with the nurse at CF clinic. She confirmed with my CF doctor that all of my current meds are fine, and that we will talk about things in more detail when I come in for a clinic visit next week. For those who are curious, my meds are: Albuterol, Colistin, Hypertonic Saline, Zyrtec, Prilosec, and Veramyst. (But please, don't take my word for it that these meds are safe to take during pregnancy - always ask your doctor!)

Yesterday afternoon, the dietician at CF clinic called me. She said I need to have my vitamin levels checked - specifically iron and vitams A, D, E, & K (which are the fat-soluable vitamins us CFers sometimes have difficulty absorbing). I also have to do an oral gluclose tolerance test (OGTT) right away. The dietician said CFers must do an OGTT at the start of each trimester, due to our increased risk of gestational diabetes. I am scheduled to do that on Monday.

The dietician also told me the that, right after she heard from me, the nurse sent a text to everyone on the CF team to tell them I was pregnant :) (they all know we have been TTC for almost a year).

Tested Again This Morning

I tested again with an internet cheapie and FRER. The line is still very light. BUT, the digital now says:

Oh my God!!! I am so excited! I am still nervous because it so early, (only 11 dpo), but I am feeling so happy and relieved - I actually can get pregnant! I am also feeling so grateful and thanking God so much right now.

Now I need to call the RE and schedule a beta and call my CF clinic and make sure there isn't anything I should change. Yay! Happy Day!

Do You See What I See?

I've never seen this before. A very, very , very faint line on a FRER. Greg sees it too, although he said, "I see where a line is trying to form. I'm not gonna believe it until that line gets darker." I am also having a hard time believing it, and the digital says "Not Pregnant," but OMG, I am freaking out right now!

I tried to take a picture. It was hard to prevent it from being blurry...this was the best I could do:

And...It's Gone

No second line tpday. However, this does not bother me because I know it's still early. My temperature was very high this morning (yeah, I couldn't stick with the no-temping-in-the-2WW idea), my boobs hurt, and I woke up starving, so I still have hope.

Have I mentioned that I am a POAS addict? I have probably seen 100 BFNs over the past year, so they don't bother me until around 14 dpo. I am very good at holding onto "it's still early hope." Seriously, I really think I have gone through 100 PG tests. I started buying eight at a time at the dollar tree, but I got sick of snide comments from the casheir, ("having a pregnancy test party?" "Oh, back again this month, huh? I guess it hasn't been working out"), so I decided to order the strips online in 50-paks. And I am on my second pack (insert blushing face here). Ahhhh...the joys of recieving my PG tests descrectly in the mailbox. And, stupidly, I have wasted numerous FRERs and a few digitals as well.

Well, I am off to start my Saturday. On my agenda: Buy more FRERs (because, yes, I wasted my last one this morning).

Hope's a Bitch

I am now 8 dpiui and 9 days past trigger. My first two IUI cycles, my trigger was out after 8.5 and 9 days. So, it should be out by now, right? But, I got a very, very faint positive this morning. Not an evap line, definitely a real, light pink line. Now, the logical part of me knows this is probably just because the trigger is taking a little longer to leave my system. But, the stupid part of my mind keeps wandering to those urban legends of people getting BFPs at 8 dpo. “What if it’s a real BFP?” the stupid part of my mind keeps asking me.

Alas, this is just a part of the “hopes a bitch” portion of the cycle. When I start to think that every little PMS symptoms is really a pregnancy symptom. Where I let myself have that extra piece of cake because “I must be eating for two. Why else would I be starving?” I even begin to let myself imagine what it would be like to share the BFP news with everyone – how I would write it to my friends on the Nest, how I would tell my sister, how I would post it in this blog. And I think, maybe, just maybe, I can go out and buy What to Expect While You are Expecting in a few days.

And then, a few days later, my temperature comes crashing down and I start spotting and I curse myself for getting my hopes up. However, once I recover from the pain of another failed cycle, I begin again to feel hopeful that this cycle will be the one.

Sigh...please let this be the cycle where the rollercoaster ends!

Slacker

That's what I am. I need to work on the FYI posts. But, they are time-consuming because I want to do them right, and work has been so crazy lately that I've just wanted to chill when I get home. I promise, I will post them soon ;)

So, I'm 6 dpo and my phantom symptoms are in full-swing. My PMS symptoms always seem to peak aroud 7 dpo - extreme hunger, bloat, tiredness, and grouchiness. I had some weird cramping yesterday that is getting my hopes up, but I'm trying to ignore the phantom symptoms - because they have been exactly that, (phantom), every single cycle. Sigh. At least the 2WW is half over!