Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Waiting

Here I am, waiting to have a miscarriage. It is hell.

I am so, so sad. I don't like being in this place. I wish life had a fast-forward button, it was a few months from now, and we were in the 2WW, full of renewed hope. Instead, we are in a place of mourning. It's hard to believe how attached to something you can become in just one week. I had already nicknamed the little bugger "Nugget" and was talking to it in my head. We had started making plans, (Christmas in Austin this year). We had told our parents. It was such a wonderful week. Greg told me he hadn't been that happy in a long time.

Then it all came crashing down in a second. When the RE's office told me the beta number, I couldn't even talk. The nurse said, "Do you want to call back tomorrow to schedule your consultation?" I said, "Yes" and booked it out work. Of course, my boss was in the lobby, waiting for the elevator, and started chatting it up with me. "How are you doing?" "Great. I just found out I'm going to have a miscarriage. How goes it with you?"

This is how I have felt toward my coworkers during the past two days. I can't just sit around the house and cry. I am definitely a person who tries to bury the horrible feelings. So, I work. Work is busy, which is good, because it is a distraction. I cry on the way to work and on the way home, but, when I am at work, I can almost forget about things. Of course, I really can't. Every time a coworker asks me a question, I want to snap, "Who cares about pipe material? I am waiting to have a miscarriage!!" And I am getting sick of people asking, "So, got any big plans for the weekend?" "Oh yes. Big plans. I am going to have a miscarriage."

I must admit I am very anxious for it to start, just because I want it to be finished. Then we can move on. But, instead, I am still very, very, very lightly spotting. My RE said it could take up to a week for it to happen. Ugh.

I am also so angry. I keep thinking about our family friend. Their 15-year-old daughter stopped taking her BCP in attempt to keep her boyfriend. When it didn't work, she told her mom, "I want an abortion. All I care about is him. Get this thing out of me." But, because her mom wouldn't pay, she is soon going to give birth to a healthy baby. (And she won't give it up for adoption - Greg and I even offered to adopt it). Why? Why does she get to have a baby, and couples like us, who are ready to be parents, do not? I don't understand it, and it makes me want to kick something.

I also have to say that, if it is this painful to miscarry at 4-1/2 weeks, I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a baby later on in pregnancy (or beyond). To anyone who is reading this who has suffered such pain, I am so, so, so, sorry.

On the flip side, I really am trying to look at the positives. At least we can get pregnant. Many, many couples have early miscarriages and go on to have healthy pregnancies. And, at least it did happen early.

Hopefully we will be pregnant again soon. We are meeting with our RE for a consultation on Tuesday, and I am looking forward to deciding on our next steps. Of course, part of me is terrified that it will take another year to get pregnant again, but hopefully that will not be the case, considering we will jumping back into IUI within a few cycles (at least, that is what I am assuming).

10 comments:

Steph, Bryan & Owen said...

We lost our daughter at 32 weeks and while the timing is different, the feelings are all the same. You start making plans when you get pregnant so it would seem regardless of when you lose the baby, its the same feelings of lost hope and plans.

You DID get pregnant and you guys seem to have great doctors working with you who will figure out what is going on. Can't wait to read that you're pregnant again :)

The Oppold Family: said...

Hi Kristen,
First let me say I'm sorry. I'm praying for you and for a peace that only God can bring you. I also wanted to share a song that helped me while we went through 2 miscarriages. http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/311751185.
The song is Glory Baby by Watermark. If you have time, look the words up online and let God use them to touch you. You're in a very hard time. Waiting is ALWAYS hard. I pray the passing will come soon to allow you the ability to move forward. Not forgetting the gift you've had, but the hope of the future.
My prayers are with you!

Jess said...

Hi Kristen,
Again I'm so sorry for you :( It absolutely sucks sitting around waiting for the miscarriage to start. I'll share my experience if you don't mind. About 2 weeks ago I started to spot then it progressively got worse. Went to the ER said I had a subchorionic bleed so that's where the bleeding was. Said there was a baby with a heartbeat. So we left there so happy despite the bleeding. Come to find out, I was already starting to miscarry but there wasn't a way to really tell that since the baby was there and it appeared to be ok. The next day is when it started to get worse. I know it's different for everyone but I had to miscarry naturally as well. Everything lasted exactly one week for me. At times I was very crampy, and had bad back pain. Just all around uncomfortable plus I was angry and sad. I wish I had magic words of wisdom, If so I'd use them too. I took Motrin around the clock on the days where it was very heavy and crampy. I sure hope this all goes by quickly for you. It's been 2 weeks for us since the loss, and the days to get a little easier. I still cry a lot though. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
:( I've been thinking of you. The CF docs and OB docs told us to wait at least 2 cycles and then ok to try again. They said you have to let your body rest and recover from the blood/iron loss. It's exhausting. Sorry to ramble but I know I felt better knowing someone who had been through it too :( I'm thinking of you guys.

Lindsay said...

Kristen, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that your body will give you some closure soon. ::BIG HUGS::

Crysbena said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a painful experience both physically and emotionally. It just feels so wrong in every way to have come this far and be hit with this. I just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts. God, I was really rooting for you. It's been almost a year since my miscarriage and while my wounds have healed I will forever carry scars with me. I'm still trying for my healthy baby.

I hope this process begins as swiftly as it ends. Take care of yourself.

Kristin said...

I am so sorry Kristen. I'm praying for you. Thank you for posting your feelings. A friend of mine IRL just lost a baby at 8 weeks. I wan to be a source of comfort for her but don't know how. Your post helps me to understand what its like.

Jennie said...

Kristen,

I'm so, so sorry. I know exactly what you're going through, and you're right -- it's not fair. It hurts worse than anything. We were about four days behind you cycle-wise and found out Monday that we'd lost ours. I really wish I could give you a big hug right now. Cry all you want -- to hell with those that can't deal with it. I'm so happy for you that you can get pregnant. That's the biggest hurdle, and you've made it over that!

The Lunoff Adventures said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch with you and sorry that you're having to go through this. If you want to kick something, do it....just don't break your toe doing it. :) Hugs, hugs, and more hugs! Tracy (richardslove)

Alicea (mnbride1013) said...

I just wanted to let you know I'm so, so sorry and pray you get through this and will be stronger for it. (((HUGS)))

mtendere said...

I know that a loss at 4 1/2 weeks is painful - that's about when I had mine. Even now, I think about it often. It was consolation to know that I could get pregnant, but it didn't ease the pain.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm thinking about you.

 
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