Saturday, August 15, 2009

Broken

Well, I can say with great confindence that this has been the worst weekend of my life. I've been really, really depressed lately, to the point were I just randomly start crying during the day, several times a week. I've felt so hopeless. The miscarriage, the canceled cycles, IF in general, and the fact that my job has been awful is making me miserable. And, add to that CF taking up all of my free time, and I have nothing to be excited about during the week. On the weekends, I am able to disctract myself and I feel better, but, during the week, I am so, so, so depressed. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work, and even being friendly to my coworkers is a struggle, and I've started isolating myself from a lot of my family and friends because all they talk about is children.

And then last night I was pushed over the edge. Greg had been out of town all week, and, when I came home, excited to see him, he just started ranting and raving about everything: the new watering restrictions, the dust the cleaning people missed, how he had to go to my stupid work party, even my driving. Well, that just made me feel like crap because I thought he wasn't happy to see me. And, as I mentioned, I've already been really depressed. So when we got home from the party and he was still being an ass, and I stubbed my toe, I took my keys and threw them with all my strength onto the garage floor and started crying. And I broke the keyless entry to our new car.

So, Greg got even more mad and said, "Great! You just cost us like $100! Way to go!" Finally I yelled at him, "What the hell!!???!! I haven't seen you for a week and you are being such a jerk! I don't understand what your problem is!"

And then he yelled back "You want to know why I'm in a bad mood??!!?? Because my brother's wife is fucking pregnant!!" (Sidenote: They started TTC fairly recently.)

And I just lost it. I doubled over and started sobbing and screaming (literally), "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! It's so unfair!" And Greg held me, but I couldn't start sobbing. "Why does God hate me?" I asked him, "What did I do to deserve this pain?" And I've been asking myself this all day. The only conclusion I can rationally come to is that God has no control over who has children and who doesn't. Otherwise, why would he let my 16 year old heorin addicted cousin have a baby, but not so many couples in loving, committed, relationships? I know many people do not feel this way and take peace in the idea that God has a reason for putting them through trials, but I just don't believe that myself anymore. This whole IF experienece has really gotten me questioning God, and how much power He really does have over things, or how rarely He decides to intervene.

And, of course, I couldn't stop thinking about was my MIL's excitement back in May when we told her she was finally going to be a grandmother, and how that was ripped away from us. And now we can never get it back. I've never mentioned this before, but I really care about what my IL's think of me because my own parents suck - they are both alcoholics and completely unsupportive about the tough times. If I try to bring up anything to do with CF, they ignore me and change the subject. They don't even want to hear about our IF stuff, unlike my IL's, who are always asking questions and were excited each time we were gearing up to do an IUI. So I was REALLY looking forward to being able to give them their first grandchild.

I cried all night. I didn't sleep at all, and I spent the entire day on the couch, crying. I feel completely beaten down and broken. I don't know how much more of this I can take. But, at the same time, I don't have a choice.

I'm not ready to give up. I mean, if my RE weren't such a freaking tool we'd probably be pregnant by now! All we need to do is get Greg's sperm past my CM - who knew that would be so difficult?? But, it shouldn't be, so I can't give up. Which means I have to continue to go to the job that I hate to pay for IF. And I have to continue to take deep breaths when someone stops by my office and I am on the verge of tears. And I have to suck it up and smile when I am dying inside. The last thing I don't know if I can do. Right now, I feel like I can't.

And that makes me feel weak. I think of the many wonderful women I've met on the infertilility boards, who have been TTC for so much longer, are older, have had multiple losses, have gone through failed IVF cycles, and I see them going strong. I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do. 14 cycles? Pffft - I'm a novice in the IF world!

So, I am caving. On Monday, I am getting a referral for a thearpist. And I am going to apply for FMLA so I don't have to make up work hours missed for the thearapy sessions/doctors appointments and I can keep at least some of my sanity.

14 comments:

Kiki said...

I felt the same way you do at about 14 months ttc. At that point I had just had my 2nd miscarriage. I was hopeless, helpless and my faith was shaken. Here at my 2 year mark of TTC I am actually at peace with whatever happens. It got easier for me emotionally and mentally. I did a lot of praying and seeking. There is a plan for you, and you will look back on all of this one day and say, "now I get it". Keep the faith! You will be a mother :)

Nikki1007 said...

((HUGS)) This IF crap sucks. I feel confident that once you find an RE that does not have his head up his ass it will happen for you! I am here if you need to talk.

smiffy said...

hi there, i have been following your blog for a while now and i could have written that myself this time last year, i was ttc for 4 and a half years and underwent ivf, i am also a cfer from the uk, i totally feel your pain and when my sister in law fell pregnant it ripped my heart and soul out and i had the worst year of my life and never ever want to go back there, it is a pain that makes you question every single faith and belief that you have and you can not see the light at the end of the tunnel, i know you probably dont want to read a blog which has baby stuff on but if you look at my earlier posts you might find something to relate to, its wishesdreamsandpills.blogspot or my email is alisonkrystinasmith@yahoo.co.uk , you dont believe me now but every day you wake up your a day through the battle, Ally, xx

Jessica said...

HUGS!!! God has a plan for you! I too don't think he has control over much of anything which in a way sucks...but thats life. Maybe he has a different plan for you? Or maybe its the devils way of making you doubt God. Either way I too know the pain of seeing EVERYONE around you get preggo and don't deserve it and all you want is a baby of your own...it blows.

Have you tried Robitussin? I know crazy sounding, but when I was looking up stuff while we were TTC and there were alot of CF women having success with taking robitussin to thin cervical mucus -hey its work a shot right?

O and something that helped us was after sex I would prop my hiney up on pillows and sit there for like 30 minutes...boring but I think thats what got us preggo.

Katey said...

I'm so sorry!!!! My heart truly does ache for you! And I know it's hard to see that God has a purpose in all this, but he really does! I'll be praying for you....for the therapy sessions to help; and just for everything to calm down! I hope you have a much better week! I encourage you to read my blog post for Monday (tomorrow)!

And good for you for NOT GIVING UP!

Amy said...

I've been reading your blog for several months. I am sorry for all your losses and recent feelings. I know how you feel about seeing someone like a teenager, etc. get pregnant easily, etc. and you have tried so hard and have had such a hard way to go. I've had two miscarriages and it was too difficult for us to try again. I just want you to know I pray for you.

Amy

niki36 said...

reading this brought tears to my eyes. it hits so close to home. my husband and i had been trying for a few months the first time we found out my SIL was pregnant, and now 3 years later she is pregnant with her second. the pain is unbearable some days and i hate hearing that a friend or someone is pregnant. i know that is terrible and i want to be happy for them, but it hurts so much.

i saw someone recommended robitussin. i have a friend who it worked for and we plan on trying it next month. also we have used preseed which is supposed to mimic healthy cm. maybe you could give those a try.

good luck sweetie and keep your head up. i know it will happen for all of us.

~nicole

Kristen said...

Thanks everyone for the kind words :) I have been taking guaifenesin & using preseed every single cycle since we started TTC. It hasn't worked yet, but I figure it can't hurt, so I keep doing it.

Mari said...

There's not much more I can add. I'll be praying that it gets better for you. (((HUGS)))

Jess said...

Kristen,

I'm so sorry for the non stop crap that keeps happening :( I had a similar weekend, and for some reason (well i know the reason) i just couldn't get it together and just wept and cried :( Honestly I thought of all the people in my life right now who'd actually be able to relate. You're one of the only ones. It just rips your heart out to see everyone around you get pregnant, and you just feel hopeless. I listened to everyone tell me how they conceived right away after a miscarriage and pretty much banked on it. Stupid me. However I'm doing my best to keep my head up too and not let people see that I just want to cry everytime I have to hear that someone else (usually who isn't even trying or in a stable relationship) is pregnant yet again. I'm so sorry for the continued heart ache you've been feeling. Please know you're not alone. If you ever wanted to talk or email please feel free to. I'm on Facebook too you could message me. RNJessica@verizon.net

Lindsay said...

::HUGS:: I'm so sorry. This all sucks.

Rebecca said...

I feel your pain, and I know exactly how you are feeling, I still have not worked through my faith issues and just don't think I will ever be able to. I do know that when people tell me if it is god's will you will get pregnant I would like to poke their eyes out with a fork. I hope to read that you have gotten pregnant soon. You just need to find a doctor that is as aggressive as you want them to be, you are the one paying and I have had to move on to other docs too. Keep your chin up, I know it is cleche' but this too will pass. All we can do is take it one day at a time and try not to go crazy.

Shannon said...

Oh Kristen, I am so very sorry. I read your post with tears streaming down my face the entire time. I wish you didnt have to go through this.

Im proud of you for going to see a therapist. You don't have to do this alone and oftentimes a professional and completely outside opinion is exactly what you need.

Im always thinking of you and I pray for you every night and will continue to do so. You never gave up on me and I will never, ever give up on you.

Emmie said...

Sweetie, please don't give up, though believe me I know how painful and distressing all this is. When my brother and his wife got pregnant with twins on their first go at IVF I felt like you (at that point we had been trying for 2 years with repeated treatments and were getting nowhere). God doesn't decide who has babies and when and you've done nothing wrong. One day soon that door will open and you will never look back, just hang on in there. Counselling is a good idea, we were going to go for it too just before I finally got pregnant, you need to be able to share how you feel with someone who understands - does your RE's clinic offer a service?

If I can do anything to help, please just shout. Look after yourselves and you and Greg will get each other through this xxxx

 
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