Tuesday, July 7, 2009

God Fucking Damnit!!!

My RE's office had me come in for an ultrasound this afternoon. And guess what? I already ovulated! My fear that a CD14 ultrasound would be too late has come true. IUI canceled. Fanfuckingtastic.

I am so pissed because I told my RE that I sometimes O as early as CD13 (which is today). But, I was trying to trust the doctor. He apologized and said, "Next time we will do the u/s on CD13" and I said, "TODAY is CD13, wouldn't that be too late?” He replied "Oh yeah. CD12 next time." ::headdesk::

To top things off, thanks to my yeast infection, Greg and I haven't had sex since Friday, which means there's not much hope of it happening on our own, (not that I have much hope for that even with good timing). I asked him to come home ASAP so we could give it one more try. The RE said there is a slight chance of still getting sperm to meet egg, but not enough to warrant spending the $$$ to do an IUI today.

I am so freaking sick of this. I just started sobbing when I got into my car. I want to at least be trying again. I feel completely empty and hopeless. I can't stand to hear from my pregnant friends anymore and I have been isolating myself. The fact that we were about to have hope again had made me feel so much better, and maybe I could come out of the woodwork again. And now it's gone and I have to wait another month. God, I am almost freaking 33. I want to have two children, separately. Not only am I racing against the biological clock, I am racing against the health clock. I feel like things are slowly slipping away from me, and I am going to be stuck going to a job that I hate to pay for IF when all I want to do is be a SAHM.

Oh, and here's the lesson part of my post, in case anyone is interested: During the u/s the first thing the RE did was comment on how great my lining looked - 8.5 mm, up from 6.5 mm last clomid cycle. I have been taking baby aspirin, and he agreed that it had definitely helped. Then he went to my lead follicle and comments on how "hazy" it looked, which meant it had just ovulated or was about to ovulated. He also said the follicle tends to shrink a bit right before/after ovulation, which explains why it only measured 17mm. Then he checked for fluid in the abdominal cavity: fluid = already ovulated. And there was fluid there. So, that's that.

12 comments:

Jess said...

Kristen, I am SO SORRY!!! :( It's so incredibly frustrating. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. My heart aches. We're finally "allowed" to try again after waiting 2 cylces. I was so happy and nervous. Then the stupid bowel obstruction hits me, and my husband has hurt his back so badly that he can barely move. So nevermind to this cycle :( I have been so secretly frustrated and not said a word, but just cry. I too am sick of waiting, and feeling hopeless. I'm thinking of you!! Hugs.

Nikki1007 said...

I am so sorry hun. Waiting sucks. I would definitely ask for earlier u/s's next time. Mine always start on CD10 and then go form there.

MFA Mama said...

Oh no!!! That is so maddening. Here's hoping that next month everything goes MUCH better.

The Browns said...

I know nothing anyone can say will help heal your heart. After 3 years of constant hurt and disapointment I can kinda of relate to your anger and feeling of hopelessness. I just want to say that I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and I know that our health scares us, I dont think that will ever change but you are truly doing amazing, litlerally better then any other cf person around our age. Always keep in your mind what a strong and amazing person you are!

Serendipite said...

That RE needs a swift kick to the shin ((HUGS))

Lindsay said...

How frickin annoying. I'm so sorry . ::hugs::

Maeghan said...

:( I am so so sorry. I know how important this cycle was for you. It sucks when Dr's don't listen to you and the information you have on your body. I wish there was something I could say to take the hurt and anger away.

Amy said...

Oh I am SO sorry. The waiting sucks and is the worst part. ((HUGS))

Shannon said...

Oh Kristen, I am so freakin' irritated for you. AHHHHH. I am sorry for this added frustration and am thinking of you.

Jess said...

Kristen I meant to ask you about the Aspirin regimine. Do you take the baby dose everyday, or just near ovulation? Thanks!

Kristen said...

Hi Jess,

I think you can take one baby (or low-dose) asprin per day. It's supposed to help with follicle and lining development AND prevent m/cs.

Katey said...

I'm So sorry! Sometimes the doctors just don't realize that we know when the time is right! You are always in my prayers...but I'm praying that next time will be better! Even though I'm not trying to get pregnant....I have the same feeling of wanting kids!

 
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